The Capitalist: City of London terrorised by ducks
Market shenanigans, Jamie Dimon’s good manners guide and the Square Mile’s aggressive ducks; catch up on the latest City drama in The Capitalist
The father, the son and the animal spirits
Spring may have finally sprung but it’s been all storms on the market this week. Amid reports of crying traders and signs of the cross outside the Goldman Sachs New York offices (in the name of the father, the sign and the animal spirits of the market?), however, a wayward tweeter temporarily lifted spirits on Monday.
“HASSETT: TRUMP IS CONSIDERING A 90-DAY PAUSE IN TARIFFS FOR ALL COUNTRIES EXCEPT CHINA” an X account called Walter Bloomberg screamed. Markets screamed back – jumping six per cent before tumbling back down again as traders and reporters alike scrambled to figure out what was going on. What was going on? A mess, that’s what. Walter Bloomberg said he got the headline from Reuters. Reuters said it got the headline from CNBC. CNBC said it got the headline from Walter Bloomberg. A Fox News interview, in which Hassett said “the President is going to decide what the President is going to decide” was thrown around in the mix.
The White House dismissed all of it as Fake News on Monday before making it Kinda True News on Wednesday when it in fact did announce a pause. And all while the Chinese embassy posted Reagan speeches about free trade from its own X account. An upside down world.
Beware!
The Capitalist regrets to report that a new threat is upon the Square Mile – and it waddles. Two ducks have been sighted terrorising multiple workers outside St Paul’s Cathedral, with at least two members of the public yesterday forced to flee the grass square due to mallard aggression.
The aquatic pair appear to be trying to lay claim to Festival Gardens, a popular City lunch spot, through a campaign of sustained harrassment. Witnesses said the ducks could be seen honing in on victims before rushing in a coordinated manoeuvre. One victim, forced to relocate beyond the lawn’s perimeter, said he had been “intimidated” but was grateful to escape further pursuit. “They didn’t see me run,” he told The Capitalist.
It comes amid reports the pigeon flock which haunts the frontsteps of the Cathedral have also become more belligerent, while, beyond the Square Mile, a hawk in Hertforshire was captured last week after repeatedly swooping on bald men. The Capitalist can only advise one thing: stay vigilant.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to JP
JP Morgan boss Jamie Dimon this week used his annual shareholder letter to politely ask for a little respect (just a little bit), calling out bad meeting etiquette in particular. “I see people in meetings all the time who are getting notifications and personal texts or who are reading emails. This has to stop. It’s disrespectful. It wastes time,” he wrote. He also sought to crack down on jargon, telling staff to “avoid management pablum”. The Capitalist salutes.
Davey slips and slides in pothole activism
Lib Dem leader yesterday took to a rubber ring in order to deliver “a serious message” about pot holes, apparently. “There is a serious message, always a serious message, and that is about having services that are smooth, that people can go over,” Davey assured during a visit to Gloucestershire, where the Lib Dems say residents have been pleading for road maintenance. The adrenaline-addicted politician is hoping his party can win control of Gloucestershire County Council from the Conservatives on 1 May.
Shadow transport secretary Gareth Bacon, however, appeared unmoved. “If Ed Davey wants to pretend he’s leading a serious party, he might want to get off the inflatable and start standing up to Labour’s growth-killing agenda,” he said.